digression: thee playoff picks, holmes.

chiefs - dolts
hey payton -- cut that meat! c'mon already, enough with the goddamn stupid tv commercials, already, huh? how many times we gotta watch that bullshit? 4,000? 5,000? key-rist... anyway, the game... you want to know about this game, there are two words for you, son: Larry and Johnson. And please, don't talk to us about home field. The Indy crowd sucks so hard they blow. Considering how decent the Cheifs have looked of late, this one is kinda easy: UPSET SPECIAL!!! CHIEFS 23 - DOLTS 17

shitbirds - cowgirls
I have often wondered just how far I could chuck a size D battery. Plus, what sort of accuracy would I have from 45 rows up? I don't know... yet, I'd be willing to bet that if said battery approached the bean of TO, he would drop it and then woof for a penalty flag. If the battery was whizzing toward Jeremy Stevens, about to hit him between the 8 and the 6, he would drOp it and jog sadly to holmgren's doghouse, again -- so I guess that's sort of a wash. I do feel pretty comfortable guessing that Julian Peterson will punch Tony Romo in the face on multiple occasions. I do feel pretty confident that Sean Alexander and Matt Hass are playing "better" these days. I feel pretty confident that the seagal fans will be armed wiff batteries, whisky and out of their metrosexually/fried-to-thee--bejuzus-waterlogged minds. Sorry, Tuna, you fatass.
SEAGALS 27 - COWGALS 24

jets-patsys
ah christ, here we go. bilichick's a genius, blah, blah, blah. brady's a TD machine, blah blah, blah. but hey, we -- thee kollecktive that is -- WE hate to break it to ya jets fans, they're right, so it's back to your bitter little hovels in some depressing concrete bunker where the sun refuses to shine. we'll see ya next fall.
STONE COLD LOCK PICK: PATSYS 34 - J-E-T-S 20

giants -eagles
YOU KNOW WHO SUCKS? THE GIANTS. THE GIANTS FUCKING SUCK. GO HOME, ALREADY.
EAGLES 31 - GIANTS 10

there you have it. get thee to the bank, ladies...